This morning, awaking in the pre-dawn darkness, I felt pretty despairing of my faith. The sense of failure and of weakness was palpable. I feel like a bad Christian.
Of course, this is not a new feeling. Like a weed, this sense of estrangement and weakness has been growing for some weeks.
I’ve just been “too busy” to really notice. Until it’s just too much to ignore.
Walking Alone
You can’t be at Christian and walk alone. At least, that’s my experience.
It’s also what the priest will tell you.
Yesterday, talking to an old friend who is a priest, I heard about those Christians who don’t go to church because it is the 5th or 6th thing on their list of Sunday preferences; you know, the type of Christian who goes to church when there’s nothing much else to do. I have to confess, although that’s not a completely accurate description of me, it felt like that label fit.
You can’t be a Christian and walk alone… but that doesn’t stop us from trying.
Want to hear my pathetic excuses for not going to church? It’s really very simple: it’s a 20 minute drive and there’s often something else that seems more important. As if the state of our relationship with Christ was less important than housework, marking books, or being with your partner.
You can’t be a Christian and walk alone.
Not Just Church
Let’s be honest, it’s not just about church. When we’re on our best trip of being a bad Christian, we’re also not doing a whole load of other things. Daily prayer, anyone? Reading the scriptures? Fasting?
As the weeks between my church attendance grow longer, so also the temptation to stop the other disciplines of faith grows stronger. First you start “forgetting” the fasts; soon you notice you “don’t quite have time” for the scriptures; before you know it, you’ve grown flaky with prayer too.
Yeah, I’m a downright useless Christian. Let no discipline of faith interrupt my schedule.
Do You Notice?
The worst thing is what you notice about yourself.
When I go to church, pray every day, read the scriptures – even, dare I mention, when I act to fast – then I notice things that grow.
First, at least for me, comes patience. Taking time to pray is the first step on the path to patience. Taking time to stand before Christ and even merely pray, “Lord, have mercy”… that is the first taste of patience arising from self-control.
Kindness and goodness are also swiftly reinforced. It’s easier to find it in your heart to speak gently once you’ve stopped long enough to notice people. Once you’re being kind, you can sense the “goodness” that you’re being asked to share.
Faith is restored. Through the sharing of the creed, the stories of the Gospel, and the communion of believers… that is when the seed is watered.
Peace and joy. These come over time.
And greatest of all, love.
When you don’t, the worst thing is what you notice about yourself.
Too Scared?
And then, of course, the root of despair sets in.
How can you face the priest after so many weeks? How can you pick up when you so readily dropped all? How can you stand to admit that you’re lost?
Lord, have mercy.
Do you fear the disapproving look of the priest? Do you worry about the questions folk may ask? Or worse, do you wonder if anyone will have noticed your absence?
Lord, have mercy.
Maybe church is too big a first step.
Lord, have mercy.
Awaking in the pre-dawn darkness, it’s easy to feel pretty despairing of your faith. The sense of failure and of weakness is palpable. You feel like a bad Christian.
Here’s a word of encouragement from Saint Paul:
“I say this: walk by the Spirit, and you will not fulfill the lust of the flesh… the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, self-control. Against such things there is no law!”
– Galatians 5: 16, 22-23
Lord, have mercy.
